Dear John & Dear Jane Sample Letters©

Written by American Author Sky Taylor

Are you having trouble getting rid of that special no-one? If so, perhaps a Dear John letter would be of help. What's that? Oh. You've never written a Dear John letter before.

Lucky you!  We've hammered out a few fine Dear John letters that you can use as patterns for creating your own, very personalized Dear John letter.

What's that? You're 'dear john' is female? Oh. Well, don't fret. We've got a few Dear Jane sample letters, too. Dear John and Dear Jane letters that will have your insignificant other running in the opposite direction - after new game. Happy hunting!

Dear John Letter #1

Dear John, This may come as a total shock but I must inform you that I am not what I seem. During the past ten months I have been doing understudy work for the nunnery. Yes, John - I am a nun.

All those romantic moments, you might ask? All fake, John. Just another day, another night amid my studies. Why, you might ask?

Our nunnery wanted to discover how the other half lived - how the other half loved.

So now you know, John. I can only hope that you won't be crushed and throw yourself off of a bridge or something. You may suddenly feel alone - and trust me, I personally know how that feels - if that's any comfort to you, John. And if you do consider tossing yourself off a bridge, please don't count on me flying by to save you, because nuns don't have wings as commonly believed, John. Sincerely, Sister Agatha (aka Aggie)

Dear John Letter #2

Dear John, for the last two months I've had a strong urge to adjust some aspects of my life. Of course, I know that you love me - and that you'll understand totally. With that said, I wanted to set forth a letter to you to discuss the series of changes in my life because these changes will of course, affect you too. And I know that you'll support me 100%. I have condensed my list to reflect my top ten life changes.

1. I plan to purchase a Saint Bernard, perhaps two. I know that you're allergic, but I just can't help myself.

2. I have decided that French armpits are far sexier than American armpits, therefore I am never shaving there again.

3. And as long as I'm not shaving under my arms, why go to the trouble to shave my legs?

4. Or my chin beard?

5. And upper lip?

6. Mother and I are growing apart, so I plan to ask her to visit with us for a month.

7. Perhaps two.

8. I think I would like to have twins, John.

9. Then again, triplets sounds nice - and as long as mother is there to help, why not? Get it all OVER at once. (note the subliminal message in implementing the capital OVER?)

10. I suppose that with babies on the way, we'll need to ditch your sport's car and invest in a Geo.

Sincerely, Why Do You Spoil Me So Rotten!

Dear John Letter #3

Dear John, let me count the ways that I love you! The thing that I love best about you is the big size of your pocketbook.

I also adore how good that I look in your hot red sport's car. And how could I ever forget how much that I love your love for sports - because how else could I have such a perfect excuse to go shopping with your money? Ha ha.

And I love how you look in the colorful Hawaiian shirt that your mother bought you last Christmas because whenever you wear that shirt, it gives me the opportunity to wear my white satin gown which parallels so nicely against all that wild color. I really love how it makes me stand out and shine in a crowd. By you, of course!

I also love your brain - and who cares that it's just a bit slower than average? I love it, and that's what counts.

I also love the fact that you have no sense of direction and that I do. Who else in the world has a man that can't tell west from east? North from south? And Texas from Nevada? Sincerely, Proud Mary

 

Dear Jane Letter #1

Dear Jane, it is with great sadness that I must inform you that I was bitten by a werewolf last night. I was walking home, under the bright full moon and the next thing I knew - the beast was upon me.

As you know, there is no known cure for those unfortunate souls who suffer from the bite of the werewolf. Believe me, I have spent hours pondering our break-up, wondering the consequences that it will have on you.

As for me, my love - don't worry for I shall never forget about you. Whenever I turn werewolf and stand bared to the world under the light of a full moon, I'll howl over you - a long, ponderous, lingering howl - a howl that wretches to be unleashed from the bottom of my soul.

Please go on with your life as it's what I want you to do. Never look back!  Sometimes, love really does bite. Sincerely, Woofy

Dear Jane Letter #2

Dear Jane, it is with great intensity that as much as I love you, I love my miniature car collection more.

Please - don't be jealous. Fight those green-eyed-monster feelings boiling up inside of you. You can do it!

And yes, I know that it must be a blow to me sidelined by a tiny chunk of metal coated with plastic, but Jane - they have wheels. They can take me all sorts of fun places in my mind unlike my relationship with you. I can envision driving to Spain, to Italy, to China even.

With you and I, the driving is limited to the local Dairy Diner and double-meat, double-cheese burger - and then the $1 movie theater. Jane, do you realize what I could do with that $1? I could give a loving home to a miniature car.

A penny for your thoughts. Sincerely, Rod

Dear Jane Letter #3

Dear Jane, do you remember that movie with Tom Hanks where he was a little boy trapped inside of a man's body?  

Yes, Jane - I am a little boy.  All this time you believed me to be a giant man, but you were wrong.  And until now, I just didn't know how to tell you that you were wrong about me, about my age, about my size and all.

I am planning on trying to find a magic music machine so that I can return to my little boy state but I didn't want to just go away without letting you know.

Maybe in another thirty years or so we can have a real relationship. But for now, all I want to do is to go home and pet my dog and float my toy boat in the bathtub. Sincerely, Frankie

 

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